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Anyone ever watch Letterman anymore? I used to be a big fan (until I became old enough to be allowed to stay up that late, which was also about the time I became too old to be able to make it!). I always loved his top ten lists. Random lists of stuff in a seemingly organized list created to make you think about it's contents in a slightly different way. After much thought, I've created my own top ten list:
TOP TEN RUDEST THINGS GROWN PEOPLE DO
10. Talk with your mouth full. Yes, I've done it a time or two also. Everyone has. But it really is thoroughly disgusting. I mean, not only is it difficult to understand the speaker, there is something gross about seeing their food in various stages of oral digestion that makes their message seem less important with every open-mouthed chew. I do NOT want to see the contents of your mouth, and I especially do not want to be distracted by it while you are trying to convey to me a message that I may or may not be interested in hearing, but cannot because my brain is too distracted by the food particles circulating in your saliva. Just finish your bite and we'll talk in a moment. I can also throw in gum-chewers who do a lot of talking in this category. I don't want to see, smell, or wear your gum because you can't manage to chew it discretely.
9. Poor speech and grammar/slang. I understand that our official language, being English, sometimes requires some descriptive words that are not native to the tongue, but some slang is just really inappropriate for "grown-up" conversation. I guess among friends it is understandable, but some people don't know where to draw the line. Please, friends, do not go to your next job interview and ask if you are allowed to work from your hizz-ouse a few days a week. They will say no, and then tell you that McDonalds is hiring. Seriously, that is shameful. Also, if you passed the 7th grade, as I hope most of you reading this have, you know a few rules about grammar in our native tongue. USE THEM. "They is" is not appropriate. Way to make your parents proud. Pretend that you were not asleep during English class. And this leads me to the next point, which is about...
8. Talking the way you text. Most of us remember days gone by where we a) didn't have a cell phone that would actually fit in our pockets; and b)your phone would only make a call. Back in "the good ole days" we didn't know to say things like "LOL" or "BFF". These things are considered by most to be completely acceptable in a text message. But, friends, I beg of you... don't say them out loud. If someone is funny, don't say LOL, simply go old-school and actually, I don't know, laugh out loud. You know, where people can hear you. It has an amazing effect during a funny situation. Did you know it takes the same amount of time to say "OMG" as it does to just say "oh my gosh"? I mean, you're not saving any real time when you speak, so just say it. When you text, there is an obvious time savings. From now on, have some self respect and tell someone that you'll talk to them later, don't ever say "TTYL!" It's just sad.
7. Bodily noises/functions in public. I expect my seven-year-old son to, at some point, rip a stinky toot and giggle like a school girl. It's what little boys do. It's gross, and I don't like it, but he's not even in the double-digit age bracket yet, so we still have time to break him of it. But grown men need not ever burp, fart, snort, spit, or any other disgusting bodily function in public. Ladies, I'm not excluding you from this one - I recently heard a woman belch out in a way that could compete with any man on his drunkest day. I understand that gases build up in your system, and one way or another they need to come out. Gas can be painful, I get it. But in the privacy of your own home, the restroom, somewhere other than the cereal isle in Walmart would be appreciated. You know who you are. It's just nasty. I don't need to know about the fermentation of whatever you ate for lunch is like. Keep it to yourself. For real, people, that's just nasty.
6. If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be sweet and wipe the seat. Most everyone knows that I detest germs. The thought of being exposed to another person's DNA is repulsive to me. The worst is in a public restroom. Now, let me preface this by saying that I have trained my bladder to withstand an extreme amount of liquid intake before requiring release. Mostly because I can't bear the idea of using a public restroom. Eew. In fact, for 3 days straight I held it for an entire day of work in the Guatemalan heat to avoid the toilet perched atop a hole that was flushed once daily. Like I said, I don't play around in the public restrooms. But there are extreme situations that require it to be done. When I get to the point where I realize that I must go, I thoroughly line the seat as insurance, and then do my best to squat and hover to avoid making contact with the liner. Then I use my foot to flush (this method has come back to bite me, as I managed to lose a shoe in the toilet while trying to flush). Even though my plan does keep my hands and backside from having contact with the germiest of surfaces, it still repulses me immensely to see tiny little urine droplets on the seat or outside of the bowl. Come on, ladies... don't be pigs. Take a few squares and wipe up after yourself. Don't be raunchy. Furthermore, please also remember to flush the toilet after yourself. I do not care to see what you have digested from meals previous. Gross. Ladies shouldn't be so nasty.
5. Sentence enhancers. I wasn't born yesterday. I know kids have been dropping f-bombs since the dawn of time. Or at least since the dawn of the f-word. Every kid tries it out at some point. But what really irritates me is when I hear a grown person using it as an adverb 20 or 30 times in a sentence. Come on... it can't be that versatile a word. Surely, it doesn't have the same effect on every noun or verb you are describing. I have used a few choice "sentence enhancers" on occasion - like that incredible pain associated with slamming your finger in the door, or realizing that you left your wallet at home and you're 20 miles away trying to buy gas. Yeah, it happens. A choice four-letter word slips out. Used "properly" these curse words can really emphasize the &$#@tty situation you're in. But every other word?? It tends to lose effect. Much like the #10 item, I can't really hear what you're saying for all the icky stuff that's coming out of your mouth at the same time. Here's a four-letter word for you potty-mouths: R U D E.
4. Hold the door, please. I wasn't born in the 40s. I know that women and men are just about equal (we'll save this argument for another time). I know that the days of men treating women like princesses have all but passed us by. So the argument I make here is not based on the fact that I am a woman and feel somehow entitled to better-than-men treatment. As a human being, however, I would appreciate not having a door slammed in my face if you walk out first. It's just common courtesy to hold the door if the person coming out next is close enough to you. You walk out, hold the door for an extra 3.76 seconds, and then you continue walking. You cannot get anywhere faster for having shut the door on someone else. That extra 4 seconds just won't cut it. Unless you are a NASCAR driver, in which case, you probably just go to Walmart where they have automatic doors anyway. Ha ha - just digging at my NASCAR fan friends a little. But I digress. Look, dudes, don't be rude - just hold the door an extra few seconds so the next person won't have to visit the ER for a broken nose. It's not going to require any real extra effort on your part and you won't look like a complete dill weed.
3. Lack of table manners. We've already touched on the talking with a full mouth thing. But can you believe that there are other table manner violations that grown people commit?? I mean, really?? But my friends, I tell you the truth, some grown people are just nasty. Here are some examples of what not to do at the table: blow your nose, spit, wipe your face on your sleeve, floss your teeth (although I commend anyone who does choose to floss after a meal), burp, "potty-talk", use a finger to stir a drink, pick your nose, touch all of the bread, chew with your mouth open, and my favorite: "are you gonna eat that?" The sad thing is that all of the aforementioned items were witnessed in restaurants - meaning these grown-ups were nasty in public. Seriously... I've lost my appetite.
2. Don't cut in line. I can't stand to see kids get bent out of shape if someone jumps in line in front of them. It's kind of sad, really. They are so anxious for whatever is at the front of that line that they simply can't bear waiting the extra 15 seconds behind someone for their own turn. Guess what? Some folks never grow out of that. Patience is a virtue, and some of us are less virtuous than others. If you're the guy that likes to jump in front of other cars that have waited in line patiently, I'm speaking to you. Listen, pal, it wasn't cute when you were six, and it's not cute now. If everyone else waits nicely for it to be their turn, you need to do the same. The rules apply to you, too, buddy. I'm also speaking to the lady who tried to cut in front of my sister-in-law and I at the Walmart after-Thanksgiving sale. Do you think that it would be so terribly long a wait to get behind us with our 4 things? Do you think that you saved any real noticeable time by jumping ahead with your half-opened (and probably once-returned) coffee pot? I mean, think about it for a second, people. Have you ever really gained anything by impetuously jumping in front of everyone else? Well, you probably gained a line full of enemies...
1. One-Uppers. My number-one most ridiculous adult behavior: the one-uppers. You know who you are. You simply can't let the rest of the world have more, be more, see more, do more, or think more than you. The Urban Dictionary defines this as "an annoying person who responds to hearing someone else's experience or problem by immediately telling a similar story about themselves with a much more fantastic (or terrible) outcome." For example, if I win the lottery, you won it yesterday. If I break my leg, you broke yours in 6 places. My best day can never top your best day. Ever. It's super annoying. And even though you may intend to entertain, just know that people have identified you as a One-Upper and are probably talking about you behind your back. The One-Upper is really just a pathetic character in the tragic sitcom of life. People mock you. My advice: stop being the One-Upper. When you hear a story, think long and hard before you open your mouth to tell your own story. Ask yourself, "will my story help the listener?" If the answer is "yes" then please proceed, gracefully leading into your tale. If you answer "no" then please shut your hole. Yup, you heard me. Just don't talk. After all, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. And one-upping isn't nice.
Okay, folks. There it is. My top 10 most annoying and ridiculous adult behaviors. If you find yourself on this list, please seek help immediately.
We now return to our regularly scheduled program...
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