A calendar year has passed since my last post. I realized today that my last post was January of 2013. Do you know how much has changed in my life in the last 365 days?!? A few important things come to mind... I got a new job, I lost 25 lbs., I went to Guatemala, I had surgery, I buried a grandparent, I had some dental work done, I bought a car, I went to Mexico, and I covered up a few more gray hairs. There's so much more to talk about, but I don't think I have the energy to relive an entire year full of events - some mundane, and some super exciting. But today, the 5th anniversary of my mother's passing, makes me think about how many of those life events I would have shared with my mom... except that she isn't alive to hear it.
I guess the sweetest part of the relationship I had with my mom is that we were excellent at communicating with one another. She was never afraid to say what she thought, and I felt like sharing a great deal of my life with her. We talked at least once a week over the phone. And we visited each other frequently, even though we didn't always live in the same state. She was a wonderful grandmother to my children, and a great mother-in-law for my husband. She was supportive, non-judgmental, and would listen to me tell her about some of the most ridiculously boring aspects of my life - from how many diapers I had changed that day, to what I intended to serve for dinner that night. She would listen, patiently, knowing that I was desperate for someone to tell these mundane details to.
I miss that the most. I miss being able to pick up the phone and tell her things like her oldest grandson is now a freshman in high school. Or that her granddaughter makes jewelry with her Rainbow Loom at an insane pace. Or that her grandson is an honor roll student. I miss being able to tell her about the new job I got, the new car I bought, or the vacation I'm going to take. I miss being able to tell her about how I feel, what I think, and what I'm doing. I miss hearing about the new project she's taking on, the new recipe she just discovered, or the new website she's shopping on. I miss Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Mother's Day. I miss having her to rely on. I just miss her.
I look back on 2013, and I think, Mom would be so interested to know that. But I'll never know. And that's painful...
I agree. Mom never got to know my wife. She never got to meet my kids. My kids wont ever know anything except what I tell them and I'm sure I can't ever capture who she was in mere words.
ReplyDeleteBut I also think of it this way: Mom isn't taking chemo therapy anymore and she's not going to miss out on an important event because her drugs make her sick and she wont have to stop every 10 feet for a gasp of air. Sure I'd wish to whatever God of your choice to go back and avoid the cancer and spend the holidays with her, but that's not my choice and its out of my power.
Where my power lies is knowing that I keep her bloodline going and take her imparted wisdom (and probably a few neuroses too) and pass them on. Every person grows up and dies on this planet, but not everyone carries a legacy. There are so many things I do because I learned it from Mom. I can't change that she's passed, but I can change what passes on beyond her life and you can too. I know you do. It's never going to feel good that she's dead, but it is perhaps time to stop thinking of this as grief.