Being an adult is much harder than I had anticipated. I assumed that the drama and childishness would stop by the tie I reached my 30s (not that I have! Ha!). Surprisingly, many women I know find the catty drama and back-biting to be a normal part of everyday life. Some of these women are rather emotionally high-maintenance and attention-hungry. But it's disheartening and overwhelming to someone like me who requires little emotional attention and requests no drama. In fact, I'm absolutely okay with being completely boring. Lame is good. This is a concept, however, that is totally foreign to many women I know. I just have no need for something to be constantly stirred up.
But what I find even more distressing than the constant drama is the amount of gossip that goes around. Admittedly, I am guilty of gossip. I'm not sure that I know of anyone who has never done it. But that has to stop. It's not Christ-like at all. Paul warns the Colossians, "Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." (Colossians 4:5-6, NIV) I actually like The Message version of verse 6 best: "Be gracious in your speech. The goal is to bring out the best in others in conversation, not put them down, not cut them out."
Growing up in a Latter-Day Saint environment, I was told that gossip is, essentially, anything you wouldn't say directly to the face of the person of which you speak. This definition had managed to get me through the difficulty of middle school and high school without too much issue. However, in adulthood this presents its own set of problems. The trouble is that many adults will say hurtful things to another person's face. Let me just say to those who would cut down another person in this way that there are other faces watching, other ears hearing, and other hearts judging you. Your actions may influence how a non-believer perceives those of us who would call ourselves Christ-followers. I think this is what Paul warns of in Colossians. "Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders," he says, because they are kicking the tires of Christianity based on your actions. Whether that is right or wrong is beside the point. The fact of the matter is that they do. In fact, twice this week I have had friends - one of whom is a Christ follower, and one of whom is a self-proclaimed Atheist - tell me that they feel that Christ is hardly represented in groups claiming to be formed in his name, mostly because the actions they most often see modeled are not representative of Christ's nature at all. How sad is that?
I have come across a poster recently that made me stop and give thought to it a moment. Gossip is so uncool. My best advice is this: before you open your mouth, please stop and THINK:
In this I claim no perfection. I'm guilty of saying something untrue or not-so-helpful, all the while claiming to be a friend. But this year I resolve not to. I've adopted a new mantra for the year: say what I mean, mean what I say. I've added a "sub-mantra" to include getting the heck outta situations where gossip is starting -- to be perfectly honest, I just don't ever want my name to be attached to those kinds of conversations.
I hope in this new year you will all join me in working to communicate like adults. If another person has created drama in your life that you are less-than-appreciative of, be a "big girl" (or boy) and approach them like a rational adult. Back-biting and rumor-spreading isn't going to help any situation, and it certainly isn't going to give you resolution in your relationships.
But what I find even more distressing than the constant drama is the amount of gossip that goes around. Admittedly, I am guilty of gossip. I'm not sure that I know of anyone who has never done it. But that has to stop. It's not Christ-like at all. Paul warns the Colossians, "Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." (Colossians 4:5-6, NIV) I actually like The Message version of verse 6 best: "Be gracious in your speech. The goal is to bring out the best in others in conversation, not put them down, not cut them out."
Growing up in a Latter-Day Saint environment, I was told that gossip is, essentially, anything you wouldn't say directly to the face of the person of which you speak. This definition had managed to get me through the difficulty of middle school and high school without too much issue. However, in adulthood this presents its own set of problems. The trouble is that many adults will say hurtful things to another person's face. Let me just say to those who would cut down another person in this way that there are other faces watching, other ears hearing, and other hearts judging you. Your actions may influence how a non-believer perceives those of us who would call ourselves Christ-followers. I think this is what Paul warns of in Colossians. "Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders," he says, because they are kicking the tires of Christianity based on your actions. Whether that is right or wrong is beside the point. The fact of the matter is that they do. In fact, twice this week I have had friends - one of whom is a Christ follower, and one of whom is a self-proclaimed Atheist - tell me that they feel that Christ is hardly represented in groups claiming to be formed in his name, mostly because the actions they most often see modeled are not representative of Christ's nature at all. How sad is that?Gossip is the Devil's radio.
- George Harrison
I have come across a poster recently that made me stop and give thought to it a moment. Gossip is so uncool. My best advice is this: before you open your mouth, please stop and THINK:
T - is what I am about to say true?If what you intend to speak passes these filters, I think it is a perfectly reasonable thing to say. But if it doesn't, I would hope you would reconsider. Gossip has the potential to ruin relationships. Once you've said something, it is out there and can't be taken back.
H - is what I am about to say helpful?
I - is what I am about to say inspiring?
N - is what I am about to say necessary?
K - is what I am about to say kind?
In this I claim no perfection. I'm guilty of saying something untrue or not-so-helpful, all the while claiming to be a friend. But this year I resolve not to. I've adopted a new mantra for the year: say what I mean, mean what I say. I've added a "sub-mantra" to include getting the heck outta situations where gossip is starting -- to be perfectly honest, I just don't ever want my name to be attached to those kinds of conversations.
I hope in this new year you will all join me in working to communicate like adults. If another person has created drama in your life that you are less-than-appreciative of, be a "big girl" (or boy) and approach them like a rational adult. Back-biting and rumor-spreading isn't going to help any situation, and it certainly isn't going to give you resolution in your relationships.
Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
-Miguel Angel Ruiz
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