A Servant's Heart

I really want to write a book. Not exactly sure what my topic would be, but I feel like it might be based on the following paragraph taken from my personal journal:

11 November 2010
Lord, I just pray that you reach into my heart and touch it in such a way that makes my yearning for Your causes permanent. God, open my eyes to the world around me that is crying out for love to be put into action. Let me be full of compassion and mercy for all of Your children. Let me love as You have. Let me reach out to those the world would discard. Show me how to love the world for what You made it to be - not what we made it to be. Give me Your eyes, that I might see people the way You do. Lord, Let me know where You want me to go for You. Where are You calling me? Where do You, Lord, need me to serve Your people? Show me where, tell me how. Break my heart for what breaks Yours - make it my life's mission, my purpose. And Lord, please give me the strength to follow Your call.

I could not have imagined that praying over my journal that night would result in my fingers running over these tear-soaked pages time and time again, pondering what God was calling my heart to. Since I wrote those words, almost exactly one year ago, I have read and re-read that prayer. There is something beautiful about being brought to your knees and moved to tears in prayer to the Father.

I always thought of myself as "charitable". Always took at least one tag off the Angel Tree. Made sure to give canned food to the Foodbank. Took my coats and blankets to the mission. Put an extra $5 in the collection plate at Christmas. Yes, I was "charitable". You can give without love, but you cannot truly love without giving. Giving, the kind that stretches you past what you think you can do on your own, the kind that makes you feel a little bit uncomfortable, the kind that pushes the limits of your heart... that kind of giving can only be done of love. And until last year, when I hit my knees and asked God to open my heart to this kind of giving - the kind that requires blood, sweat, and tears - I had no idea how beautifully painful, and awesomely rewarding it would feel to be uncomfortable for God.

The bottom line, friends, is that giving is not what you do with your hands or you money or your time... it's what you do with your heart.

Falling Leaves

Autumn is one of my most favorite times of the year. I love watching the oak trees change into browns and oranges, dropping leaves and acorns all about. I'm not a fan of raking, but it seems such a small sacrifice for such a beautiful change in scenery. Fall brings about a shift in wind and weather, dramatic colors, and delicious flavors. It is a season based on gratitude and change - two things that, at least for me, don't often go together. But they should.

Our circumstances are often a mess. No one would really choose to be homeless, jobless, hungry, or poor, would they? No one would choose the life of hardship over a life of ease, would they? Of course not. But often our circumstances place us in these difficult times. And we feel so abandoned in those times, as if God has shunned us to this spiritual wasteland. A change in circumstances, especially a negative one, often makes us a little bit bitter toward God. After all, a loving God wouldn't want to punish us this way, right??

We live in a broken, jacked up, icky, messed up world full of pain, suffering, and evil. The moment the first bite was taken of the apple, all hell broke loose - literally. Mankind allowed sin into the world, and for that we all pay. The world is not the beautiful paradise it once was when God roamed through the garden freely, and man and woman were naked an unashamed. Today, we have drugs, violence, disease, famine, and a whole host of other things that come as a result of sin's admittance to our world. Sometimes, the result of that sin spills over into innocent lives and causes circumstances to change in such a negative and nasty way that we feel that we are far, far too removed from God to even reach out to Him. Things have changed, and we can't see God's hand at work anymore.

But that doesn't mean He's stopped working. A change in our circumstances is a wonderful time to praise the Father. Sure, things seem hard now, but there is nothing - absolutely, positively nothing - that God can't see you through.

A few years ago, I experienced a dramatic change. I lost my mom to cancer. I was so busy allowing my circumstances to drown me, I forgot to ask God for a life preserver. Never once did I praise Him for the years I had with my mom - 30 years full of memories. Never once did I thank Him for allowing her to pass peacefully, though her disease was a painful, slow death. Never one did I glorify Him for allowing me to be at her bedside in her final moments, though I lived 3 states away. But often did I criticize Him for "making" her die, for "allowing" this cancer, and for "taking" her from me. My circumstances were unpleasant, and I made sure He knew how I felt about it. I knew things had changed for the worse, and I couldn't see how God could possibly use this for good. After about a month of grieving and feeling sorry for myself, God delivered a miracle. My husband gave his life to Christ. He said that he hadn't been able to give me the kind of peace and love about this situation that I needed to receive, because he didn't himself possess it. You can't give away what you never had. But once he allowed Christ to fill his heart, he understood the kind of love I needed to feel. Our marriage changed immediately. And I came to the realization that even though my circumstances had changed, God used it to make an amazing story - and for that, I should be thankful.

It's hard, I won't lie. Often all we can see is our the circumstances in life that keep us from moving forward. We feel stuck. But praise God. Praise Him for the goodness. Praise Him that in those moments when you have more month left than money, He gave you that time. When you can't park near the building and have to walk a half mile in from the parking lot, that at least you have healthy legs to do so. When you run out of laundry soap in the middle of washing clothes, that you are blessed to have that many articles of clothing to wash. When you lose someone you love unexpectedly, that you got to spend time with them and love them while they were here. There are a million reasons to praise - big and small.

I'm not a big fan of change. In fact, it makes me very anxious. But watching the leaves turn and fall off the trees gives me such a peace. Yes, the trees will soon be bare, but our God is an amazing provider, and soon enough those trees will be covered with new leaves, blossoms, and fruit. Allow Him to be present through the changes, and amazing things will happen. After all, you will go through the changes in life regardless... wouldn't it be better to go WITH God, than WITHOUT Him?